Rough Start

Dear Madeline,

I'm going to continue where my last letter left off, after you were delivered:

Rather than staying with Daddy and I on the maternity floor, you were taken 3 floors up to the NICU. Daddy was able to go up to see you right away while they finished tending to me. I'll never forget the look on your daddy's face when he came back downstairs. He was absolutely glowing, but also looked concerned. He told me you were beautiful and doing great but that your head was severely bruised and swollen (you weren't able to open your right eye). On top of that you were hooked up to all kinds of wires and machines. He hated seeing you like that!

Unfortunately I wasn't able to go see you until noon; and that was the longest 3.5 hours ever! When we finally got to visit with you, you were peacefully sleeping; and you were sooo beautiful. I can't even explain to you how much love I felt for you. Daddy said that your bruising and swelling were already looking better, but my heart ached for you and the discomfort I'm sure you had to feel!

We were going to just sit with you and let you rest because the nurse said you had just fallen asleep, but once they showed me just how many spots you had, my heart ached even more and I started to break down. Finally the nurse asked if I wanted to hold you, and that was absolutely the only thing I wanted at that moment. A minute to just love on you and pray that you weren't feeling any pain and that everything was going to be okay.

After being seen (or discussed with) by numerous specialty doctors, they did come to the conclusion that all these little spots were what are called hemangiomas. They are benign tumors of the cells that make up the blood vessels. They are fairly common in children, however, they are not often present at birth and they are usually limited to a few total. Unfortunately you have about 30! They did assure us that you were doing great and that these things completely clear up as you grow; usually by age 7 or so (and that's with no treatment). However, they did want to run several tests to make sure that there weren't any internally. Thankfully all of those tests eventually came back normal!

Although they do not often treat hemangiomas because the eventually shrink and disappear on their own, they did decide that they wanted to treat you simply because you have so many and they don't want them to grow any more. In the last 5 years or so they have started a new treatment for this; by actually using a medication which used to be used solely to treat high blood pressure. A doctor was treating a child for his heart condition and accidentally discovered the medication took away his hemangiomas. This was huge since prior treatment involved steroids and laser treatments and and the terrible side effects. The down side of starting this medicine meant that you would have to stay in the NICU where they could monitor your blood pressure for at least 48 hours after treatment started. And that would not be until the following day once the cardiologist had seen you.

I'll admit that the first day was very difficult for Daddy and I, and I don't think the fact we hadn't slept in about 30 hours helped us. We were anticipating you coming back to the maternity ward eventually where you'd be able to sleep in our room. I hated that we had to leave you at night; that the first night you were on this earth, we were going to be sleeping on different floors. But deep down we knew that you were where was best for you and soon enough I'd be able to stare at the sweet face all night long!

Wednesday morning they started you on your medication. My doctors offered to send me home, but said I could stay if I wanted since my insurance would pay for one more day. Obviously I was not leaving you so we were staying! After all we still weren't sure when they were going to release you - they still needed to do an MRI of your spine to check a hemangioma that was there and that wouldn't be til the next day. So Wednesday was really just a day of visiting you.

Thursday morning I was told that I was being released, but could stay as late as I wanted since you were still going to be there. In the morning you went for your MRI. Once you were back we rushed up to see you! Unfortunately they have to sedate you for this, so you were very very sleepy when you got back.

When you did finally wake, you had the most upsetting cry - I could just tell that you were not yourself :-( But once everything wore off later that day you seemed much better.

I had been dreading the day ending all day, because I knew what was coming - I was going to have to leave you for the night! It was very VERY hard for me to leave you. It took me forever to say goodbye and once we hit the parking garage I totally lost it! This was not how I pictured things going - we checked in the hospital expecting to leave with our baby, not alone! The only thing that got me through the difficult night (filled with many tears) was knowing that when we went back to visit you - we were going to be taking you home with us!!!

Although we were there almost all day Friday, we did eventually get to take you home! And it was such a perfect day to bring you home - it was your due date and the weather was beautiful! Overall we had a very good experience while you were there. The staff was absolutely great, always accommodating to us and making sure we were fully informed about what was going on with you. They made a very unexpected and difficult situation so much better! On top of that I'll have to admit it was a humbling experience. Seeing all those sick babies, some of which had been there for months, we knew that we were truly blessed and lucky! Yes this was a bump in the road, but you were healthy and going to be just fine! We were told numerous times that you were known as the healthiest baby in the NICU.

When we were finally able to leave I'll never forget what the nurse said to us as she took a family pic of us. She told us that it made her extremely happy to be sending a baby home with good parents that she knew were going to love and care for you. She said she could tell how much we loved you and that she did not have to worry about us continuing your treatment and following up with your care as instructed. It kind of caught me off guard, but she said sadly she doesn't always see that. I was happy to know that sending us home as a family made her day because her comment made mine! She made me realize that if a stranger who only spent 4 hours with us could see the love we had for you, then we were going to be okay - we were going to be great parents to you Madeline Elizabeth! She took every ounce of insecurity and uncertainty away from me. And the three of us left that hospital with nothing but huge smiles on our face!

I love you baby girl!

<3 Mommy

PS: The goal of the next post is to get us caught up on time (6 weeks to be exact)!